This week has been a whirlwind- stay, go, don't leave, get the fuck out now. As the Captain mentioned, the admiralty has recalled me home from the ship. For now.
As this wild adventure begins to fizzle out, I am brought back to the words of my personal favorite Existentialist philosopher (this is a Bard student writing, did you think I wouldn't mention some grand philosophical concept?) Søren Kierkegaard on regret that I found myself musing over just last week, when we were all still so certain that we would be finishing the semester on campus.
"Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both.… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”
I'd added a stanza onto the end of this quote, saying to our motley crew faced with the unknowable: Stay, and you will regret it; leave and you will also regret it; Stay or leave, you will regret it either way.
I have many regrets and not a damn thing I can do about them. They range from the small to the large, from only just realizing how good Lucky Charms are in the past two weeks, to wishing I could have been bolder, been braver in the actions I took. I wish, more than anything, that I'd had the foresight to know how our semester would end so early and so, almost violently, quick. Our whole crew has regret after regret (this afternoon, the Captain expressed a wishing feeling over knowing what was behind one of the doors in the now sealed library), and we all must wait until the storm passes us over until we can maybe get the chance to resolve a handful of them.
Nevertheless, we go on. We must go on. Those of us returning to campus in August will pack with the flickering hope of resolving our regrets, and our Captain, unlucky in this roll of the dice, will have us on campus as her agents of chaos. And I will do my goddamn best to remember her in everything I do. Nevertheless, we go on.
This is the First Officer, signing off.
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